Hello guys. I haven been blogging lately. and i bet no one actually sees my blog anyway. OH well. im feeling kind of upset and it has been days since im feeling this way. but tnight is worse. Oh well, im so sick and tired of being the oh-so-cheerful Jiayan. Im so sick of the happy-go-lucky me. Everyone take me for granted. No one understands me. Expectations after expectations. When i am sad, i kept quiet. thats the best way. When i actually share why am i sad, i became the one in the wrong. This happened two years ago, and it is happening now. It haven stop. I believe the problem lies on me, not them.

Maybe i am just someone that god sends down to absorb all the sorrow. The child that never deserve to be loved. From young, who actually loves me? Who actually treat me well without wanting to gain something out of it? Do you think there are so many nice people out there? Everyone is realistic. No one treats you well for the sake of making you happy. They just want something for themselves.

Everytime when i am sad, i post something up on twitter. and sometimes people will ask me. Are you ok? I have to fake a smile and reply oh yeah i am :D:D . But deep down i am hurting like mad. No one knows. No one actually understand. Try being me. You will understand. Sorrows dont stop when you get home. It gets worse. And its been a cycle since young. HAve you ever wondered why i dislike staying at home so much? No one loves me. And i shouldnt search for one at the first place. Because no one will.

Ive been receiving tears when im sad, tears when im stress, but never tears of joy. Why do i not deserve to be happy? Why am i treated this way? Whywhywhy? Life is never fair. You get what you want, never got to work for it. I work so damn hard for a simple thing, and i never get it. Sometimes i feel like just die once and for all since i am a nuiscence to everyone. But i wouldnt dare to. Sometimes i feel like cutting myself and let the blood flow,but the scars remain. Sometimes i hit myself so hard that there's a bruise and i act like nothing happen.Physical pain wouldnt replace mental pain.

Do you know how scared i am after my ex did such things to me? I dont know why. I gave him everything. I tried my best to be the best girlf ever. Many people envied him. But why do i still receive such treatment? I want to give people happiness. But unknowningly, people take it for granted. Once and again i tell myself, its just me thinking too much . But half the time, i was right. I was just deceiving myself.

I feel better typing all these out because i dont know who would be there to listen to me. When i complain about my family, i am suppose to be used to it. When i am sad about some stuffs, i am being emotional and sensitive. Whatever things that happened, everything is my fault. Yes im the unlucky star, everyone please stay away.

Maybe a week or a month later, someone happened to view my blog, i would be okay by then. I would be the oh-so-cheerful Jiayan ever. :')

Sorry, im not worth it. I am grateful for what i have. But i guess i bring more sadness around than happiness. I just typed like super a lot of crap and oh well. byez.